Coming Up For Air---My Experiences with Anxiety and Depression
Sunday was World Mental Health day--a day dedicated towards bringing awareness and removing the stigma of mental health disorders. Struggles with mental health are something I've hid behind for years---through phases of depression and periods of anxiety. For many years--not even having a name to pinpoint on what I was feeling because I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. But one of the most healing parts has become sharing my story and talking to so many others who have felt similar.
I've been sharing my story in bits and pieces over on Instagram. This past year, I've been going through many steps towards feeling more like myself--therapy, medication, yoga/meditation, etc. Although I have memories of anxiety as far back as 1st grade and periods of feeling sluggish/depressed in college and other smaller spurts--the intense phases of anxiety and depression for me have been triggered by changes that came with motherhood.
Quickly after Brody was born--postpartum mood disorders hit me hard. I happily filled out the little 10 question sheet at the doctor's office indicating everything was A-Ok when I was truly drowning and having some pretty scary thoughts. But I was terrified to mention any of this to anyone because I worried I would have to stop breastfeeding or have my baby taken away or crazy ideas like this. So I suffered through it solo until around 3 months old when things started to turn a corner and I felt like I could breathe again. But the experience left me nervous to get pregnant again with the fear that this would be my experience after my next birth. It also inspired me and motivated me to become a certified childbirth educator because I felt so caught off guard by my entire postpartum experience.
A couple of years later, Isla was born. Her first year of life was pretty blissful. Sure I had hard days, but they were manageable and I felt good and like myself. It was a relief. But shortly after her first birthday, we started to wean. Weaning triggered that hormonal rollercoaster--post weaning depression. Even this time, I didn't recognize it until well after the fact. I remember I had these intense headaches right in the center of my forehead. It felt so bruised. I was nauseous. I brought Brody to a playdate and had to leave early--barely able to drive home--because the headache was so intense. I'm the type that doesn't even like to take Advil, so making an appointment for the doctor terrified me. I avoided it for 2 long weeks. JD came home from work early one day encouraging me to finally make an appointment. I made an appointment for my headaches and arrived in the parking lot with a full blown panic attack. I remember the doctor being so kind and patient while we waited for my heart rate to come down and the tears to stop flowing. I left that appointment with an anxiety diagnosis and a prescription for Lexapro to take in the event of intense anxiety.
After Luca was born, I had a similar experience to Isla. The newborn phase was everything I imagined--he was the easiest, most content little baby. We quickly found our groove. Being stuck at home for most of his first year of life became a hidden blessing. But this past January when we started very slowly weaning--I was hit with some pretty intense anxiety and depression once again. I can't blame it all on weaning because--like always--there have been so many other factors too. The weather, the amount of things on my plate, a freaking pandemic!, homeschool etc etc. etc. It was A LOT for me, and I know it has been A LOT for all of us--especially parents.
I am so glad that I no longer feel shame talking about my mental health struggles. Although it's never an easy topic to jump into, it has been healing to share my journey and hear others. I know there will continue to be phases of my life that are harder mentally than others, but I also feel so much more equipped with tools than I ever have to push through them. I've become passionate about the mental well-being of our whole home as well. From the mantras we say on the way to school to help with anxiety, to taking up yoga with JD, to reshaping our whole lifestyle by JD quitting his job of 14 years---it has been a year of digging deep and learning about ourselves.
A few random tidbits I've learned along the way---
The first step is the hardest. Scheduling that doctor's appointment, asking a family member for help, confiding in a friend about what you are feeling---it is the hardest step (and also one that immediately lifts a heavy weight from your shoulders).
There's no silver bullet solution. No single pill or single therapist or single lifestyle change will fix everything. It's finding that custom combo of any or all of the above to feel more like your true self.
Everything is a phase. The weeks of feeling sluggish and having a hard time getting out of bed, the weeks sleepless nights where anxiety keeps you up, the days that are so hard you are constantly snapping at your children--it won't always be like this.
I am not alone. I've been so surprised by the outpouring of friends and family that have confided in me that they too have seeked help for their mental health. Last week I posted a poll on IG and over 95% of you shared that you've experienced some depression and/or anxiety this past year. Yes, 95%!! I am not alone--and you are not either.
There are sunny days ahead. Just like the weather report on rainy weeks of gloomy days, the sun will eventually come back. Same thing goes for hard day/weeks/months---it will get better.
I don't have to feel this way. I've spent far too long in down periods without taking any action to get out of them (see random tidbit #1). Sometimes I need the reminder that there ARE things and people that help and I need to take advantage of them. Again, easier said than done when you're in a state of depression and/or anxiety.
Validation goes a long way. I was so touched at my first therapy session when the therapist said "what you are doing right now IS hard". The simple acknowledgement of what I am feeling always makes me feel less alone. Remember this anytime you're chatting with a friend--it can mean a lot to hear.
Questions you asked on IG:
Did you ever try natural supplements before? CBD etc
I have not tried CBD before. I have used a few other natural supplements over the years--Vitamin D pills (which I need to start taking regularly again!), L-Theanine pills, Ashwaganda, and Calm at night. Calm helped me sleep when I had episodes of anxiety that caused me to be sleepless. The other items helped occasionally, but I don't think I took them regularly enough to notice a drastic difference either.
When did you know you needed professional help?
Always after it got to be way too intense to handle. I like to put blinders on and convince myself that things will just start to get better on their own. But both of the times I have made doctor's appointments after intense episodes it has been after major breaking points when there were many signs of being in a funk leading up to it. I don't recommend this strategy :)
What type of dr did you go to? PCP? Therapist? Teleheath etc?
I've talked to my primary care physician and/or my OB when needing to be on meds. My advice would be to reach out to whoever you are most comfortable with (PCP, OB, Etc) and they will be happy to help you and point you in the right direction. I am so grateful for telehealth these days too---I do all of my follow up appointments with my PCP via telehealth.
Do you feel different on medication?
Once my body adjusted to the meds, I started feeling like my normal self. Anxious moments, emotional moments, sad moments, happy moments still--but without the intensity of them that I was experiencing during tough periods. I was so fearful of feeling "numb" on meds, but I have not felt that way at all.
Did you take meds while pregnant?
Not regularly. I did have a small, as-needed prescription for Lexapro while pregnant with Luca that I had to take once or twice for severe panic attacks. Usually they're triggered by travel for me, which I know is surprising considering how much I love to travel. If we were planning to have more children, I would likely continue on Zoloft during the pregnancy if I felt like I needed it. Obviously this is something that you should chat with your own doctor about. My doctor has been very supportive of Zoloft being ok to take while breastfeeding/pregnant IF needed.
How did you find a therapist?
A desperate google search and taking the first one that offered appointments to be made online without having to call and explain what I was feeling. I googled for a local provider that specialized in postpartum mood disorders. The more common route would be interviewing 2 or 3 therapists to see who would be a good fit for you. I liked mine enough, but if I was going to continue with weekly/bi-weekly therapy longer term I would probably try to find one that was a little closer to my age. All personal preference!
Did you ever feel like all you were doing was yelling or being short with your kids?
Yes. Especially this past Winter when I was having a pretty tough mental health episode. I am not a yeller and I found myself constantly yelling at my kids, irritated by everything they did, and reacting with extreme frustration in situations that certainly did not negate that kind of reaction. I felt like an awful mom and spent many days in tears feeling bad that my kids had me as their mom. I was not the mom I wanted to be.
What are some tools you have found helpful?
Yoga has been a huge blessing and tool for managing my anxiety and depression. It sounds strange to say it has been life changing--but it has. I am forced to quiet my mind. I am taking time to do something for myself. I've had many "aha" moments of inner peace during yoga classes. The way a lot of people describe feeling when they are in church--is what I feel when i'm in a yoga class. Even JD has taken it up and we're hoping to instil it into our kids lives too. It's been an incredible tool. I'm terrible at meditating, but in yoga I can often zone out a bit at the end to really let my mind rest.
5-7-9 breathing was a helpful tool I learned from my therapist to help in those moments I describe above where I was reacting in wild ways to my kids.
Finding ways to remove the juggling act--sometimes this meant allowing my kids to spend an extra hour in the morning watching a movie just so I could answer emails without interruption. Honestly this simple step took the therapist validating it as ok to help myself get over the guilt of it.
Monday mornings were always hard--so I started prepping things on Sunday nights.
Talking about it--whether it has been 1-on-1 to a friend or sharing about this in instragram--it has been so theraputic to hear from others going through similar experiences and realizing I am not alone in this journey.
How to identify something is wrong/off with ones mental health?
Do you feel like yourself? Are you sleeping too much? How is your appetite? Are struggling to fall asleep and/or stay asleep? How is your mood towards. your kids? Do things you usually enjoy doing bring you joy still? Are you able to do the normal tasks you do? --- These are just a few of the areas that get really off for me when my mental health is out of whack.
What are your triggers? Do your kids trigger?
The weather, weaning, and too many things on my plate have been big triggers for episodes of depression/anxiety for me. Airports/Airplanes have been a source of panic attacks for me (but I usually have a Lexapro on hand if needed and am good to go).
How did you know when it was time to start seeing a therapist?
Not feeling like myself. Crying, yelling at my kids, feeling lethargic and no energy to do things, trouble sleeping. Things that should be simple to do felt so overwhelming (like putting away a load of laundry or cleaning off the counter). I don't like taking meds, so the first step I took this year was seeing a therapist. Eventually my therapist and I both agreed it was probably time to chat with a dr about meds too, so that was my next step.
What led you to change careers?
I think this Q is asking about JD quitting his job and joining the Magic Playbook team this past Summer?? I could probably write a whole post on this, but it came down to wanting a simpler lifestyle with more family time together and less stress--and figuring out how to do this on a smaller income. I heard the phrase "are you living to work or working to live" earlier this year and it really makes you ponder when you think about it.
Were you nervous about meds?
Very. I am that person that truly tries to avoid taking an Advil at all costs. Being on daily medicine terrified me and definitely kept me from seeking help for far too long.
How do you keep your energy up with the meds? Don't they make you tired?
This was one of the hardest side effects I experienced when I started meds---along with nausea. The nausea went away with time--especially after switching from taking the medicine in the morning to taking the medicine at night. This switch helped with the tiredness a bit as well--it has gotten much better since the first month, but I will say I think it does still make me more tired than without meds. However for me it all comes down to weighing the options---feeling a little tired is a good compromise for the mental stability it has offered me.
How did you actually say it to your doctor that you needed help?
My first experience I went to the doctor for severe headaches (ended up being tension headaches from anxiety and stress) and I had a massive panic attack on the way there. My blood pressure was through the roof. The doctor was so kind to take his time and help calm me down. I had no idea I was going to be diagnosed with anxiety and depression at this appointment.
The second time around (this past year) I knew all of the signs and what I was experiencing. But it was still insanely hard to take that first step of seeking help. I waited weeks. I didn't want to have to call to make an appointment and be asked questions because I knew I wouldn't be able to not cry. I found a local therapist that allowed you to make an appointment online and then do video appointments, so I started there because I knew I could handle that. When it came time to make an appointment with my Primary Care Physician--I tried the same approach after an intense breakdown --- only to be told on the chat that I would need to call to make my appointment. I then waited another week until I had another breakdown to call (yikes i'm stubborn). It sounds so silly now, but in the moment it felt like it would take the weight of the world for me to make that appointment. One positive from this past pandemic year has been the availability of telemed visits. If I had to go into the office for my first visit, it probably would have been even harder to make that appointment.
When I scheduled my appointment I told them it was for anxiety/depression. When the doctor got on the call--she knew what I was there for so that helped start the conversation right away.
How to take things off or your plate? How to help with the mental load?
Learning how to say no and learning to ask for help. These are 2 things I am still working on, but they have been important for making sure my plate doesn't get overloaded. I use Cultivate What Matters Power Sheets to help narrow down my focus/what is truly important to me. If something doesn't align with that--then I'm trying to be better at saying no. This past year, this meant saying no to Childbirth Prep clients, closing down my birth prep course and site, the @itsonsalebaby ig account and more, so I could focus on Magic Playbook--something that truly lights my fire.
Finding a way to let my brain rest. It sounds silly, but my brain was truly constantly running through to-do lists, ideas, etc etc. I never gave it a chance to settle.
And I realize everyone's story is different. You may not agree with everything I shared here, but this has been my experience. Thank you for letting me share it with you and all of your kindness over the past year.
